Happy Precedence Day! My favorite nationally recognized holiday!
I spent the week preparing like most Americans (and Canadians): I made a list of all my friends and put them in order of best to worst. I sent the top 10% Precedence Day cards (priority mail, of course) and received 8 in return! A precedent. My precedenced friends are the best, really they are the best, your top friends, eh, not as great.
Next, I had to prepare for my Precedence Day line cutting ceremony. This is accepted in a lot great cities like Fresno and Des Moise, but it hasn't quite caught on in San Francisco so I'll have to explain it so that you may prepare for next year. Celebrating Precedence Day means making sure you value how wonderful you are and how you take priority over the people you think are, well, not as precedencial. Waiting in lines, while annoying, are understood as fair. Oh no, not on Precedence Day! Velvet stanchions in hand I cut those lines, I cut them good, bumping the impatient and imprudent alike (this is why banks and post offices are closed by the way.) Tartine, takes 3 minutes on Precedence Day, my only concern is which to select: brioche or savory bread pudding. (if you don't take a long time picking it's insulting to the people behind you.) Of course there are people that do not celebrate Precedence Day. Though San Francisco prides itself in tolerance and acceptance, there were shouts of out rage from the back of the line. Today I got;
"Hey, what do think you're doing, there's a line, can't you see? We've been waiting for 40 minutes!!"
I addressed the crowd in a most sincere tone explaining that it is Precedence Day and if they understood anything about our Founding Fathers they would understand that America's legacy is a constant celebration of stating our importance and acting out our disregard for merit and patience in the most unkind and unfair ways. I don't know what their problem was but on the way out I felt a little bad, after all, they can't be blamed for their ignorance, so in the custom of Precedence Day and in proper precedencial fashion I ignored him really well.
[I am unhappy how this turned out, it is now 12:45am and I have rewritten this blog entry four times now, this is version one. The others versions get really dark and really silly and have been deleted for my and your safety. At least I get double overtime because it's a holiday]